dave

04:20 pm: a long goodbye
im actually pretty sure that no one reads this anymore seeing as how i havent posted in over a month... if you do read this you must care a little and so to those of you who do i say goodbye. if your just interested in how life is im currently recieving a 4.0 average at GMCC BCOM program. im selling the harley to buy a new yamaha R6 and this summer i started racing both bike and cars. other than that not a lot else is new just catching up with old friends and renewing lost contact. also im just waiting for my loan to clear so i can start aquiring devloped property such as appartments/condos so if your looking for a place call me and i might be able to set you up.... till then. solong

11:09 am: pain
pain is a funny thing there is not a day that passes that i teel myself today will be beter and that i truely feel as though im moving forward only to find myself moments later hurting. i went to the usa for the better part of a week and a bit to find something when what i have actually been looking for has just been right here.

03:25 pm: when it rains...
a little while ago i wrote apost detailing the fact that when my life goes down it really goes down in a massive way. i just got back from the u of a icu unit in which i had the oppertunity to see my best friend/brother. i must say first that i hope you all pray for him and that i am constantly praying for him too. cody rolled his bike a few nights ago and is in a coma. the left side of his head and his entire right arm are shattered. there is a good chance that cody may not pull through this one. i spent around 3 hrs. today over his bedside as soon as i found out and things really arnt good. i pray to god for a miricle that he can come around and wish me a happy birthday. that i what i want this year.

10:42 am: these are the days to remember. im having an awsomeparty right all of my close friends are/were here we wipped out some coop guitar hero played some football and just screwed around. these really are the days of summer and these are the days to remember. i got back from red deer today at like 3 and spontaneously decided to have a party. its just bothersome because the phone keeps ringing... anyways its good to have this. i really needed this it has really started to line a few things up and show me who my real friends are. its an awsome feeling being able to take an outside view of myself and friends and see that i truely have refound myself, the way i used to be, the way im happy, i havent felt like this since before christmas, today has REALLY showed me how much ive changed. some huge things are going on in my life right now and my birthday is right arond the corner. i just hope i get what i want for my birthday... for the first time in a long while when somebody asks what i want this year its easy i guess. anyways this post was suppossed to go up like sat night at light 4 but live journal is being stupid so ... what do you do right?

11:05 am: sadness
today is a sad day indeed for starters it turns out i "injured" like four bones in my foot but my doctor says that from initial examination my two biggest toes are either fractured or broken... yes i cant walk. but even more depressing is that my baby has her surgery in calgary today and no complications are expected but its fairly lengthy surgery on a dog. i hope she recovers fine and she is no longer emo/lazy...

09:08 pm: ATTN: you!
i dont know when you will read this but in the future when things are better maybe you will see it then.

alot of things said and done have put me pack into a confused and searching spin.

i dont know why you have to get over me or what i did to push you away and im trying to do everything i feel you will let me do to try and make things right. so you know im trying to learn these 3 songs for you plus dead! (there's just so much right now)


Sister, I'm not much a poet, but a criminal
And you never had a chance
Love it, or leave it, you can't understand
A pretty face, but you do so carry on,
and on,
and on

I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me
I'm just the way that the doctor made me, on,
and on,
and on,
and on
Love is the red the rose on your coffin door
What's life like, bleeding on the floor,
the floor,
the floor

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe

So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me, hallelujah, lock and load
Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son
It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one,
and one,
and one,
and one

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe

So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something
Give me a better cause to lead
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe

So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

So give me all your poison (Fire at will)
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts (Fire at will)
And make me ill
You're running after something (Fire at will)
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want (Fire at will)
Then fire at will

This night, walk the dead
In a solitary style
And crash the cemetery gates.
In the dress your husband hates
Way down, mark the grave
Where the search lights find us
Drinking by the mausoleum door
And they found you on the bathroom floor

I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

Back home, off the run
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists
It isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun
So I won't stop dying, won't stop lying
If you want I'll keep on crying
Did you get what you deserve?
Is this what you always want me for?

I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

Way down, way down
Way down, way down
Way down, way down
Way down, way down

I miss you, I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard

When will I miss you, when will I miss you so far
And the collision of your kiss that made it so hard
Made it so hard

Way down, way down
Way down, way down
Way down, way down
Way down, way down
Way down...

Gaze into her killing jar
I'd sometimes stare for hours (sometimes stare for hours).
She even poked the holes so I can breathe.
She bought the last line.
I'm just the worst kind.
Of guy to argue.
With what you might find.
And for the last night I lie.
Could I lie with you?

Alright, give up, get down
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants
It all to come down this time.

Lost in the prescription
she's got something else in mind (something else in mind).
Check into the Hotel Bella Muerte.
It gives the weak flight.
It gives the blind sight.
Until the cops come.
Or by the last light.
And for the last night I lie.
Could I lie next to you?

Alright, give up, get down
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants
It all to come down this time.

Alright, give up, get down
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants
It all to come down this time.

Pull the plug.
But I'd like to learn your name.
And holding on.
Well I hope you do the same.
Aw sugar.
Slip into the tragedy you've spun this chamber dry.

Alright, give up, get down
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants
It all to come down this time.

Alright, give up, get down
It's just the hardest part of living.
Alright, she wants
It all to come down this time.

Pull the plug.
But I'd like to learn your name.
And holding on.
Well I hope you do the same.
Aw sugar.

06:58 pm: wow
beautiful friday/saturday other than the fact i have nothing to do tonight bo-erns. i probly just game meh... fun times

02:28 pm: Wow
yesterday in a nutshell was a good day slightly confusing but all round good and not unwanted. can't wait to be your friend

while it is true that im not afraid to keep living i am afraid to walk alone and i am afraid of lossing you now and/or forever

11:01 am: Cheated
Now I know,
That I can't make you stay.
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your,

And I know.
There's nothing I can say.
To change that part.
To change that part.
To change.

So many,
Bright lights they cast a shadow,
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding,
I'm incomplete?
A life that's so demanding,
I get so weak.
A love that's so demanding,
I can't speak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

Can you see?
My eyes are shining bright,
'Cause I'm out here, on the other side,
Of a jet black hotel mirror,
And I'm so weak.
Is it hard understanding?
I'm incomplete.
A love that's so demanding,
I get weak.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.

I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay I'll be forgiven,


Nothing you can say can stop me going home.


These bright lights have always blinded me.
These bright lights have always blinded me.

I say.

I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.
Asleep, or dead.

'Cause I see you lying next to me,
With words I thought I'd never speak,
Awake, and unafraid.

Asleep, or dead...

I just feel like i never got to say goodbye....

10:24 am: you
FOREVER REMEMBER...
i wish i could put my finger on a day or even an event that either made me push you away or made you grow from me. im still recapping in my head what has happened and searching for a why. i really cant find one but at the same time i can find too many. i hope you read this so you know that i am sorry. i am doing everything you asked other than giving you distance for which i am sorry for. i am trying. its just that something has not been sitting quite right with me and today well actually last night i realized what it was. I never got a chance to say goodbye. i realise that now tuesday was you saying goodbye, and me fighting. im sorry that it took me a week to realise that. i just hope u dont hate me for what i have to do and in time i hope that u can realise and understand that i just need to say goodbye in my way. i think it is only fair seeing as how you got your chance. im just asking for mine and then after that i WILL disappear. i wont contact you anymore after this. i hope you can see that. Until then.
goodbye erin.

08:23 pm: wow
i cant belive it today was such a high i went to track this morning cause im off work(stress leave) and then belive it or not i went shopping at the mall today for honestly like 4 hrs than came home and learned to play guitar again. currently im perfecting buck cherrys everything.

07:51 am: you
you obviously havent read my journal yet cause you are still here so i thought i should just quickly say that to take it with a grain of salt as i was writing creativly... the last thing i would want is to make you worry because it was overly intense and rather than tone it down i thought the mature thing to do would be to write this.
i can only hope to hear from you soon.

04:01 pm: death row
You will never know......
I first must appoligize for anything that dosnt read quite right cause i cant really make out the screen right now.

My sentance came down to me today letting me know that i have been found guilty of crimes against humanity (one in perticular ... love) most executions happen at midnight but in my case they made an exception. around a quarter to ten.... its what works with there new life. for the crimes i have commited i plead no innocence only accident which makes it none better and for all of those that i have hurt (except one) i appoligise sincerly. the last person i cant say sorry to...the word is only so small and i am trying to say so much. I thought i got a last supper(meal). oh god how i would sell my soul to have that only with you... to see you smile and laugh... and hear you call me miki... it is summer i was looking forward to warm day intertwined in my bed to wram but to comfy to move. alas i dont think that i will make it to the chair for warm maple syrup haas started to cool my heart hurts quite litterally now i can fealit stopping i have fallen. stop. quite silence... only tears and deafness now... there is only one person who has the defebrilator. i am sorry
but my heart
beats only
for you
......
goodbye
as a last will and testement. everything will be left to you whatever you dont want you can return to my parents/guardian

Tags: death row

01:31 am: life the universe and everything.
"I Hope Those Considered My Friends Are Listening"

I have had a lot of time for reflection over the last few weeks to persue a short unintentional path down self enlightenment and realization. Not the type of path that one would say 'wow i have been fucking around these last couple of years' or even lighter things such as 'i am a terrible speller i should work on that'. No this is the type of self reflection that has me awake at 2 in the morning pondering why it is that i have been sleeping in my basement this last week. Now to many they could just lie to themselves and say it is just to hot or to dry upstairs maybe even to noisy. no mine is much more simple. it is that i am sleeping below ground. 6 feet under to be exact. now not to scare any of those who might actually care or *heaven forbid* even read this chaos, there is an easy and simple explaination for both. firstly my basement is 8 feet deep and i am sleeping 2 feet from the floor. secondly i believe that 'something' has either died or reset allowing me to take an honest look back on my life to date fairly unbiased. there are quite a few events that stick out in my head that i have flagged unintentionaly. for the sake of keeping this short i will only bring up one that has been on my mind. not to long ago i had the pleasure of sharing something special with someone special. the few hours we spent together first started out as a heart to heart then to lighten the mood i remembered that this individual had their learners and had been metioning how much they would just like to go out and drive so in an effort to be nice i took them to a quite parking lot to show them how... sortof. not the greatest coach in the world. afterwards upon returning them home i felt the urge to bear my sole in a manner of speaking in an attempt to let them know that i am real and there for them if/when needed. this resulted in a very large cry on my shoulder and the words i still remember "david you are such a beautiful person" this was enough to make me cry. the reaon i write this is not for sympathy or for self pity i write it in hopes of getting these next two parts off my chest. firstly a few weeks-months later this individual asked me my personal feeling towards another. i lied. not becaue i was afriad of what they thought but mainly i was afraid of the truth. so instead i told them what i thought they wanted to hear. and they took it for whatevery reason regardless of how obvious the truth is! secondly i realised in the last week or so that "statisticly speaking" ,at least, one person leaves this earth aprox. every 6 seconds and on the of chance that day should be today or perhaps tommorow on the drive to work or the day afterthat sometime in my sleep i thought it best to take this time to tell my friends that i love you. wholy and truely. do not think ever that i am avoiding you, that i dont like you, or even that you are inconvienient because it is simply not true. in short i may be a busy person but fear not you are important enough to me that i will MAKE time to see you even if only for 15 minuets because a little is always better than none.

for those of you who actually read all the way to here i appolagise for the inncoheretness of this post i have now been writing for a hour while laying in bed in the basement. but alas i must also rush the end of this post as i have to start work at 9 in the morning now as oppossed to 4 in the afternoon. yaaaaa!!! life is a perpetual rebirth. for whence it is not... you are nolonger living..... think about that one!

Tags: midnight philosophy

03:07 pm: its been a while. (insert emo selfrealizing lyric here--->)
OOO MMMMMMYYYYYY FFFUUUCCCKKKKINNNNNGGG GOD so my car is in the shop well all last week cause last weekend i cooked my engine doing like 220 against some porshe driving asshole who thoght he could easily beat me and then the next day my car exploded. so as it stands my shop subracing is pulling the paper weight out and putting in a new race engine as well as replacing my ENTIRE clutch assembly. FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKKKk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! long story short im looking at like between 2500 and 3500. FFFFFUUCCCKKKK!!!!! yea and in other news. i have come to the point in my life in which i realised that im not this perfect beacon of a person and i do have undesierable traits but whatever its me and i can only do so much to avoid the less than wanted genes passed down from fuckups like my uncle and his father. things like gout and alcaholism as well as an uncontrolled temper and an addictive personallity. the last 2 months have completly been a blurr as i have being sitting in my hole but it has been intentional because i have not been myself latly as in for a while. also to those going out for st. paddys day i would love to come because i miss you all but i have this ..... Fancy/lets get drunk party to go to with my "cult" as erin calls them with my man crush who just happens to be the leader/pres. either way hi to all of you. feel free to hit me up some time.

03:10 am: Cant sleep
an epiphany hit me a long time ago that for whatever reason i have been losing sleep to dreams/nightmares over ( i havent been sleeping well at all lately) money means nothing without life. maybe this struck against me after going for a short double date with amanda. by the ways you seem genuinely happy with him and i wish you both the best. back to what i was talking about. a lot of people having saying that things in my life must be doing well right now based on the fact that im working full time pulling like 20/hr. which, dont get me wrong, is amazing money but it just bugs me how important money is to people. i guess this also stems from the coment to amanda when she said she no longer works like crazy and my reply was " i guess it just takes that someone special in your life for you to final cut back on work and make time". a simple smile, quick node, and a yes was the answer. i guess my dreams are just saying that im subcoinciously woried at either myself or someone around me that they are running through life. i mean how often do you hear older people say that " enjoy these days cause after this...." i mean its been said to me when i was 8, 12,14,16,18 and again recently as well i always hear the oh do you remember when... and how i miss those days well all i know is that those days are today. TODAY. not tommorrow but today and i think personally im going to start hanging out again with my stupid guy friends, and go play basketball or whatever even if only for an hour because then that way i can say " that was alot of fun yesterday " as oppossed to " hey do you remeber that time when.... yea that was awsome...." then quietly laugh to myself. on the same note i have also decided to be completely honest and open with everyone. lifes to short for secrets and lies so after today i am no longer even an open book i will live as me through me. ps more to come later, i am finally fealing sleepy, yea for fucked up dreamy thingys that really arent that fun.

09:55 pm: fealing like shit
this is the first post in a while and im sure there arent more to come for a while yet. first things first amanda tell your mom im ok and that the tap came back completely negitive. secondly erin i am so sorry about today i really didnt mean to upset you at all and you really are the most important person to me in te whole world i didnt remeber to tell you but the reason i bought that ring was beacause it reminded me of your eyes. and the tears today were not from the pain but from the beautifull thoughtfullness of your present. im really upset right right now not beacause im going to be sick for christmas but because the only person in the world is upset at me and i really need you. to anyone else who reads this if u are lost i will quickly explain i have been really sick since wednesday and i was taken to emerg. to have a spinal tap done because my dr thought i might have had an anurism or clott or somthing which thankfully came back negitive. unfortunatly this is now day 4 and i still feal like death. i feal like something is eating both my brain and my stomach simitaniously. im just so tired but cant sleep. erin im really scared and you are my everything i hope dinner went well and tell ur parents im sorry i really feal like a fuck up. i love you in so manny ways i cant begin to explain i hope you feel better soon. youaremyeverything

Tags: sick as always

08:40 pm: sweet
i have to admit my small flaw. those instant quizes that you all post on here i always go and try out well here is a gret one that chris just posted. i think cuddling is way off and kinkyness is off a bunch as well.

12:50 pm: Sweet
Lifes pretty good right now, erin just get back from europe and ive seen her like everyday(***:)***) absolutly estatic. ive been working at my new job for like a month and im averaging like 800/wk. which is really nice and im joing back to school and taking greek/roman mythology, asl, and itermidiate econ (bleh) but most importantly my new car (well actually used - its a 1997) should be getting shipped this weekend (yeh for not scamming ppl out of money) check my photos for pics its really sweet. Yea i dunno i cant really get a hold of anyone else though so maybe leave a coment as to how things are or whats new. That would be sweet/awsomeness ( never mind about the pics clearly i just figured it out.

01:06 pm: finally better sort of
first i must send out belated amazing props to my wonderful girlfriend erin. i was absolutly the most amazing thing to see almost all of my friends there at BP's. also it meant alot to me that heather made time to come out along with all of my other friends who came eventhough they had to head out of town at like 5 am in the morning. it really meant the world to me to the extent that if EVER you need a favor from me that i can at all honor, i will. on to newer news june 1st i started work for my uncle out at his car dealership and now that i am out of highschool and into a serious job, i have come to an epifany. there are three types of currency in the world. Money, Time, Respect and at least im my eyes they fall in that order for importance. there for (this might seem like a rant) you can steal my money and we will have an issue, you can waste my time and i will find a way to get even but so help you if you manage to disrespect me. on the same note if you want to impress me and get in my good books you could buy me something or even give me some of your time but even better would be if you just showed me some heartfelt respect. For these reasons i thought i should let amanda and heather know that they have been added to my top list of respected females next to only erin. For the time being his also means that at least to me you are family, my family. i hope you understand this as well as accept it. also i hope this explains how i have been feeling and acting around the two of you. to the other few who read this post dont feal left out, i still consider you close friends i just have to deal with this first.

Tags: respect